•  The Fucking Rules
 •  The Back Room
 •  My Juice Machine
 •  Department X
 •  Talk the Talk
 •  Have Gun, Will Shop
 •  Manic Mart U
 •  Hail Asparagus
 •  The Gashes
 •  World of Y
 •  Backroom Cartoon by Colugino.
 •  Backroom: RELOADED by BrotherZen.

 •  Who is Random Zen?
 •  My Name is Adolf
 •  CLOSED!
 •  Mirror of Hate
 •  Wake up, JACKASS!
 •  Mental Warfare
 •  I Fucking QUIT
 •  Roaming Al Rokers
 •  I am Organic

 •  Top Shelf Closed!
 •  The Manic Cast
 •  The Ancient Ones
 •  His name is Bill.
I am afraid.
 •  Tormented confessions
 •  Scions of Zen
 •  I am Colugino
 •  Zen Live Journal
 •  Retail is Hell (LJ)

 •  Fear
 •  Reprisal
 •  Desolation
 •  Coming soon...

 •  Contact Us
 •  Tippping for Perfect Service
 •  Web Cam
 •  randomzen.com
 •  insanity.net
 •  Digital Militia
 
AISLE THREE - ANNALS: records of the activities of an organization.
 
THE ITEM - Tormented confessions

LETTER FROM A MASTER CLERK
TO A SQEAKY SHOPPING CART

March 15, 1996
Dear Doctor,

Thanks for your letter. I enclose an article on the effects of various vegetables I have used. I do not know if it is suitable for your publication. I have no objection to my name being used.

No difficulty drinking. No desire to go home early. General health excellent. Please give my regards to the Juice Machine. I use his system of exercises daily with excellent results.

I have been thinking of writing a book on grocery haulage if I could find a suitable collaborator to handle the technical end.

Yours,
Random Zen

November 23, 1998
Mother,

I am afraid that I will be delayed once again. Pressures from Rome have forced me back into the deli to satisfy the Vatican’s own pursuits. I am considered here a master delicatessen but my heart lies in produce only. By my own choice, I would never slice another ounce of luncheon meat. I am almost complete the Pope’s Sistine Salami, and when I do, I am heading straight back to the produce aisle.

They think me a heretic, and my work in produce has been called pagan, but I just don’t care. They look down upon me, but my vegetable displays are my life. I don’t care about large, gathering crowds anymore. Produce for me is as soothing to do as it is beautiful to look at. I am at peace there only.

I will start a school there, as you have suggested, and take money only when my pupils can afford it, as did the great DeMatteo family before me. Do not worry about me; Joel brings me hot soup and Mountain Dew when he can. Tell Father I am still in good spirits and still visit Brittingham’s almost every day.

Still your boy,
Random Zen

March 15, 2000
Debbie,

Those cretins invade my dreams every night without shame or remorse. While constructing the lemon display for this week’s sale ad, I fantasized a scenario where when played out, would have been what the law calls predetermined manslaughter.

I’m afraid that the charge on Scott will be too great; he alone wont be enough to defeat my daily bloodlust in the days ahead. At night, when the demons seem most real and vengeful, I must be forced to the Backroom and I cannot tell if the shaking originates from Scott, me, or a disembodied pixie of the dammed. I do not know what is causing this excitement in my soul but I do know that something bad is going to happen - and it directly involves your presence. Always know your place in the space-time continuum.

Lastly, I would like to comment on today’s choice of hairstyle. "Unexciting."

Random Zen

August 1, 2000
Dear SirSyko,

I humbly apologize for the remarkable display of behavior on the part of yours truly. Since being forced from that realm I dare not mention, I seem to have acquired a new set of pleasing character traits. Not all of which are voluntary.

I have noticed two special reactions of early withdraw: (1) everything looks threatening; (2) mild paranoia. The doctors and nurses appear as monsters of evil. In the course of several cures, I have felt myself surrounded by dangerous lunatics. When confronted with the oldish woman before ascending to the sykodome, I was convinced that she was conspiring with the television to murder me; hence my insistences that she remain on the porch while I attended to business.

I am, of course, doubly remorseful since finding out that this “Gram” may have blood relations to me as well. On a positive side, my birthday beach vacation went smoothly.

With grace,
Random Zen

December 25, 2000
Found etched in stone:

In a store beyond sight the sky shines gold, not blue.
There a clerk’s might shines glorious and true.

Colugino the Great, I have risen. Seek me out.

I am forever.

April 26, 2004
To Frozen Food Tony:

Yo,

What's doing? Got back from Reno last week. I'm sitting at the bar there by myself while my buddy is losing his fortunes and this guy walks up and starts bothering me. People do that, they must think I'm some kind of character. I'm a cunt the entire time, trying my best to let him know by body movement, tone, or ESP that I could care less if he died. People are real friendly in Reno.

Anyway, after a few minutes of bullshitting, he tells me he's from Texas and gives me a look like i'm supposed to reply. I say "Philly" and he goes on with "Know a place called Lafayette Hill?" I say "Of course I do, I worked at Top Shelf for over 4 years." He looks at me and with a big smile says, "Aren't you that smartass produce guy?" It was great! I didn't know who he was. I finished my 7&7 and without looking back or saying goodbye, i walked to the elevator and went upstairs. I guess i am a character.

Anyway, I get back and i have an email from a Jim. After asking martin about him, he apparently used to drive the delivery van after i got canned. Here was that email:

I ran across your site by accident--just great!
I don' see enough about Debbie though and her amazing skills as an owner-operator.
By the way, I used to drive for Debbie's online service.
She really screwed up what should have been a good deal.
Hey, how is Bill the MeatBoy? Give him my address.
Who is running this? Several pics I just did not recognize.
If you can't take a joke, fuck you!
Jim


 Just thought that was neet. Awful lot of Top Shelf activity lately, for a software employee.