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| AISLE ONE | - | PEDAGOGY: the art, science, or profession of teaching. | | | | THE ITEM | - | Have Gun, Will Shop |
Okay, by now many of you know what horrible things I do to customers simply because I'm the unique position of being a trusted supermarket clerk. Over the years I've done some very nasty things to some very deserving victims. For my newsletter groupies, you will remember the bleaching (lemon scented!) incident. But not all of the destructive things I do in the store target specific asshole customers. Lots of the evil shit I do at work can hit anyone one of the customers. And that's why I'm calling on you to help me fight my hideous and internecine impulses. But I'll get to that...
I can still remember my early days as a supermarket clerk at a small store (of only five aisles) called Sav-Way (pronounced "Save Way"), a shitty store in a shitty neighborhood. There worked a man named Frank that was something like a store manager, although he had no official title I ever knew of. I soon realized that Frank and I were going to get along well when I saw him pour black liquid shoe polish into a bottle of laundry detergent and put it back on the shelf. His evil grin was five miles long.
This is the asshole right here.
Frank was my mentor.
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In time, I've gone from the simple, like licking slices of bread and putting them back --- to the crazy, like switching cat food and tuna fish labels. The last evil thing I remember doing was really grotesque. I decided I absolutely needed to have some peanut butter ice cream in order to finish my day. I satisfied my urges and then almost became sick after eating only about a third of the pint. As I sat in the back room on the railing, my menacing eyes happened on the coffee table a split second before I was going to chuck my ice cream into the trash can. Well, to get to the point of it, the ice cream went back into the freezer case two-thirds ice cream and one-third half-and-half creamer. And someone bought it that same day.
If you're a customer of a supermarket (and who isn't) you'll want to know how to avoid these things. The sad news is that there is no way to detect what I and my legions of co-workers have decided to modify or to leave alone. There is only one indirect way to avoid this, STOP PISSING OFF YOUR STORE CLERKS!!! The less aggravated we are, the less damaged is inflicted on your groceries.
"But Random, I'm a good and happy customer, why do I deserve this punishment?" One simple answer: You don't. That's why I'm letting everyone become official Manic Mart Deputies! That's right, every time you see a fellow customer making a mess of the aisles, kick them in the genitals and tell them it was from Random Zen! And if it occurs to you, tell them what they did was wrong. I'm leaving it to you, the customer, to first learn from me then teach others by spreading my divine wisdom, by use of extreme force if necessary.
Now go, my troops. Go and give them your worst! And in the meantime, I have some more writing to do.
"...pass on what you have learned..."
-Jedi Master Yoda
STAR WARS chapter VI: Return of the Jedi
One more note, Sav-Way closed in 1996 due to lack of business and bad management. It has since been turned into one of those dollar stores and now does ten times the business Sav-Way ever did when I worked there. Hmmm, go figure.
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