Listen Up, Assholes! Us clerks are continually frustrated and enraged by the selfish, the callous, and the chronically stupid acts of all customers; something they inaccurately refer to as shopping. In order to keep the universe balanced, CLERKS WILL STRIKE BACK. Consider the following as your guide to shopping:

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask us to get you a shopping cart.
VENGEANCE:	You were just outside; I know you saw them there. You wanna take out your laziness on me, you'll have snot and/or bleach on the handle of the crappiest cart in the lot.

WRONG MOVE:	Control your offspring. Do not let them run around unattended.
VENGEANCE:	We will damage them.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not shop while leaving your cart at the bottoms or tops of every aisle (blocking everyone).
VENGEANCE:	Most clerks will send your cart sailing to the opposite end of the store. Personally, I enjoy loading it up with several large cucumbers, KY jelly, and gauze.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask me to cut up or chop up your produce.
VENGEANCE:	Penalty for not owning a knife: I wont wash my hands or the table, your food will be chopped very poorly so it will cook uneven, and I'll wrap the whole mess up, quadruple the price and add tax as it is now 'Prepared Food.'

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask me if we are closed when the lights are out and the doors are locked.
VENGEANCE:	Assuming that I actually make eye contact with you after you've been pounding on the window for 5 minutes, I'll only laugh at you. Do you think I care if you are out of fucking milk? We're on the way to the bar, you are not getting in.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not continue shopping after we announce that we are closing the store.
VENGEANCE:	We'll let you finish shopping and then inform you that the registers have been pulled and counted when you come to checkout. "All of the cashiers have gone home because we are closed. Didn't you hear the announcements? I said it four times." Bwaa haa haa haa. We have to put all yer crap away, but damnit, it's worth it!

WRONG MOVE:	Do not put things back where they don't belong.
VENGEANCE:	We see your ass. Why do you think you were overcharged at the checkout? It's called extra effort tax.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not put your full basket of groceries on the counter at checkout.
VENGEANCE:	Empty it out yourself, I will not hesitate to DUMP your load of overpriced items on the counter, spilling half of your shit to our dirty floor.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask us to re-bag your order another way after you just watched us bag the entire fucking thing one way.
VENGEANCE:	This is a swift guarantee that your groceries will be completely inedible.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not leave your shopping lists laying around in the store.
VENGEANCE:	Not only does it magically find its way into your bag, but 2,000 store flyers and an open bottle of oil sneak in too.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not stand in the store hob-knobbing with your friends, blocking the aisles.
VENGEANCE:	Be aware of your surroundings; people are busy working and shopping here. Trust me, you'll eventually get whacked in the ankles with an L-truck and it may not even be intentional.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not call me from home and ask me how to correctly prepare some item you picked up in the store.
VENGEANCE:	I'm a clerk, not your fucking personal chef. And if you didn't know how to cook it, what the FUCK did you buy it for?

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask me to bring your bags of shit to your car unless you are over 80 or handicapped (and what the hell do you do with them when you get home?).
VENGEANCE:	I will cut the handles and bottoms on multiple bags so they will rip when you get them out of your trunk. Yes, we really do this.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not ask me to pick out your produce.
VENGEANCE:	I guarantee you'll get a real winner, complete with finger-holes lined with snot and pubic hairs.

WRONG MOVE:	Do not have me personally shop for all of your items.
VENGEANCE:	I'll agree to do it -might even get one or two of the things. On my way to find item #3, I head straight to the sanctuary of the back room where I can guarantee that you will not see me for the rest of the day.

WRONG MOVE:

Basically, DON'T piss me off for any reason. If you've just raised your voice because you didn't like my answer, you're in fucking trouble.

VENGEANCE:

I have purposely overcharged customers, squirted them with bleach, pretended that I couldn't find a price and held them up, leaned on the cheese that I just got finished slicing EXTRA thin (so they'll never get them apart), smashed/squished groceries with my hand while bagging, rubbed prepared food on my cock, and much, much more. Any of these vengeful tasks can and will be executed by all of our clerks. We have signals down to mere facial expressions and subtle gestures to communicate both customer target and method of punishment to our fellow co-workers. And my god, don't ever fucking question me. My word is law.