[Sunday, August 10th, 2008]This is cool.
[Friday, August 1st, 2008]I swear to God I’m not going back out there ever again.I stepped outside today to have a quick word with my coworker, James, who was out by the dumpster.
I like to satisfy my curiosity - so when I learned the dumpster had just recently been emptied of its contents, I decided to peer into it. Now, I’ve seen films and television programs such as Gremlins, Alien, Doctor Who, and the like in my day, and have had a benign relationship with them until today. I now consider them to be training videos.
I say this because every time I go to the dumpster for something I am confronted with things that fall under the classification of "scary fucked up shit." Today I discovered what I am 100% sure are the remnants of an alien egg.
[Wednesday, July 9th, 2008]The Holy Hand of ZenI've punctured the palm of my hand with bale wire. It went deep as my hand was moving very fast at the time. I'm calling it wire, but you have to imagine something as thick as a standard wire hanger. Just greasier.
Everything is tingly from my fingers to my elbow.
[Friday, June 6th, 2008]It's Always Sunny Here
Today I watched a crew tape scenes for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for around 30 minutes at City Hall. The scene had Charlie (Charlie Day), dressed as Green Man, tossing a volleyball at Dee's (Kaitlin Olson's) face. For reasons yet to be revealed, Dee had a deep fake tan and a curly black wig on, and holding a mic as if she were a reporter. Mac (Rob McElhenney) was there too, but behind the scenes.
I accidentally walked right onto the set and sat down. I was shooshed away after nearly 60 seconds of being there. Apparently, everyone around me were actors to set the scene for the background. Oops.
[Thursday, June 5th, 2008]Buzzed my scalp.
Do I look silly?
[Tuesday, May 27th, 2008]todayI nearly passed out while innocently eating my free lunch today. Myskull felt like it was vibrating. My eyes lost the ability to focus. The feeling came on with such intensity that in the few brief secondsthat I had to consider what was happening to me I imagined a blood clotgetting snagged in my brain and ending my life. I accepted my fate.Yep, this is what was happening. I only hoped I didn't have food stuckin my teeth or something equally as embarrassing when I met my grizzlyend next to the salad bar. These thoughts all seemed perfectlyreasonable to me within the context of having only seconds to ponder myunavoidable death.
After a few more seconds to review [because I didn't die], I was scared shitless.
WhileI was glad I was seeing that my end took place where I have alwayspredicted it would (in a supermarket), I wasn't ready to check outtoday. I wasn't even sick. And I didn't see Indiana Jones yet. Havingno idea what actually happened, I have decided that I need a MRI. Buthealth insurance first, I guess.
This bullshit wasn't even themain event of the day. When walking to the dumpster to rid mydepartment of garbage, I was confronted with the sight of four of thebiggest birds I have ever seen with my own eyes. The avian monsters(which I learned are called Turkey Buzzards) were a frightening sightwhen they were just standing around not doing shit. After spreadingtheir 6-foot wingspan and slowly ascending to the edge of the roof theywere absolutely unnerving. These things should not exist in LafayetteHill, PA.
I snapped a picture of them with my iPhone after theyhit the roof. The shitty image does not correctly portray the darknessthey spread over the area. The two on the right even look like ducks.Ducks are silly; these were demons. Only the one on the very left hintsat their sinister nature. [Interesting side note: sinister also means"on the left side". Weird.]
So, I get glimpse of a few ominous birds hanging out by a dumpster and then almost die. Not cool!
I continue to maintain that Dickies brand pants are the best use of polyester and cotten to date.
[Saturday, May 17th, 2008]Shedding
I've lost 20 lbs.
[Tuesday, April 15th, 2008]DONE.
Calculate and file taxes.
[Saturday, February 9th, 2008]No HangoverGreedily consuming a massive amount of bourbon isn't recommended. But if you have to, be a man about it.  This is the embarrassment left in the wake of one pretending to know how to drink. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a man, who is much younger than I, struggling with the reality that he can't hang with the big boys.  The magnitude of his disrespect for my sofa is appalling.Â
Seriously though, I have no idea why I'm 100% fine. I drank enough Maker's to chemically castrate a horse.
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