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| AISLE TWO | - | LITURGY: a customary repertoire of ideas, phrases, or observances. | | | | THE ITEM | - | The Doppler Disgrace |
Christian Johann Doppler, in full detail, explained to the world his discovery in 1842. Over a century and a half later, customers in my store display their complete ignorance of this discovery in obscene levels every day.
Enter The Doppler Effect:
An apparent change in the frequency of sound, light, or other waves caused by the motion of the wave source or the observer. If the source and the observer are approaching each other, the frequency of the waves received by the observer appears higher. If they are moving away from each other the frequency appears lower. The Doppler effect is important in astronomy, radar, sonar, and SUPERMARKET NAVIGATION.
I mention supermarkets because this lesson, which I personally learned in detail my freshman year of high school but most likely understood well before I had the ability to speak, seemed to pass right by the dumb-asses that shop at my store.
Stupid people, how have you managed to make it through life thus far unequipped of that grand logic referred to as common sense? Perhaps I should move straight to the point. Now, pay attention: if you hear something approaching you while shopping in the store, chances are it's someone else (employee, customer, or otherwise) that has the desire to get to where you are and eventually get ahead of you. This is now your chance to evoke that idle common sense and MOVE! Get the fuck out of the way and let others through!!!!!
Almost every day I have to wheel the juice machine down the back end of the store to the back room so I can clean it. That machine weighs just over 500lbs. and with old, uneven wheels it makes a sound akin to the nacelles of an active 747 when it's rolling across the store floor. Imagine, cans of unevenly stacked SPAM jump off the shelves and baby food jars smash open on to waxed floors due to the rumbling of the mighty juice machine. A terrible sound, getting louder and louder every second. Others around you dart out of the general area like a flock of birds scattering after firecracker explosion. Babies cry, your adrenalin levels rise pushing the limitations of your decrepit heart. Louder, and louder the terrible rumbling gets. And what do you do? Stand there reading the ingredients of a frozen TV dinner, too stupid to know you're about to be run the fuck over by a crazy produce clerk in the name of Random Mart's new world order.
Deaf, Dumb, and Stupid
part II
I'm not sure if there's a special name for those blinds they put on horses so they can only see straight ahead but there must have been a big sale on them at some time because I swear the shit-faces in my store are wearing 'em. All they can know and comprehend in the world is what's directly in front of them, anything and everything else doesn't exist. Even what lies in their peripheral vision goes unnoticed.
If you've been handicapped in life due to irresponsible breeding, get informed! Don't leave your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle while you continue to shop in another part of the store. Is that what you do while you're on the road? Then don't do it in my fucking store, asshole! When I see people do this I take their cart to another part of the store and load it up with random grocery items. Unless I'm to tired in which case I just send it sailing in whatever direction it's pointed in. Also, if you can't keep up a relatively decent speed while you shop, keep to one side of the aisle and/or check behind you often. If what goes on behind you is a perfect mystery, chances are you're going to find the word CUNT bleached stained on your back when you get home (lemon scented!).
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